A must-read blog for ministers

On January 8, 2011, a blogger named Ashleigh Burrows was shot in Tucson, Arizona.  She had brought her neighbor and friend, nine-year-old Christina Taylor Green, to meet their congresswoman, Gabrielle Giffords.

The tragedy outed “AB,” and now we know that Ashleigh Burrows is Suzi Hileman.

The day after the shooting, “Little Cuter” (the blog name of AB’s daughter) posted about her mom; regular readers of the blog had intuitively known that the woman with Christina was AB, and were concerned.  About a week later, AB wrote a post, titled, “What I Know.”

All of us wonder sometimes how people find their way through unspeakable tragedies.  Ministers have a vocational interest in this question, because the people they care for ask, “How can I make it through this?”

AB, aka Suzi Hileman, is doing the hard work of answering that question, not in broad generalities, but in the ordinariness of daily life.

In today’s post she writes about how she wants to stay on the couch, completely covered by a quilt, a gift from a well-wisher.  But her husband’s smile lures one arm out from under the quilt to answer a phone call, to accept an invitation that leads to A Perfect Afternoon.

I imagine that Suzi will write a book about her experience.  She writes well, and her story is extremely compelling.  But in the meantime, the writing she’s doing on her blog is an incredible resource, a soul-touching gift.

If your calling is to care for people, if helping people walk through tough times is part of your vocation, then I invite you to walk with AB.  Because of her shattered hip, she uses a walker and is building up some amazing muscles.  So slow to her pace, and build up some muscles of your own.

 

Rousing Confidence

Yesterday I was listening to a podcast from the Interdependence Project, a talk given by Susan Piver.  Podcasts are my housework incentive, but I had to stop loading the dishwasher, dry my hands, and find pen and paper to take a few notes.

Susan talked about “rousing confidence.”  Not striving, not inflating the ego, but rousing confidence.  She quoted her teacher, Sakyong Mipham, who taught her these five ways to rouse confidence:

• Live in a clean, tidy space
• Wear good clothes
• Eat good food
• Spend time with people who make you feel uplifted; avoid those who don’t
• Spend time in the natural world

Sometimes it helps when someone ties together simple things, all of which you already knew, but not in connection with each other.

Want confidence?  Want that self-reliance that Emerson wrote about?  Then do these things, the teacher says to me.  Don’t want to do them?  Then maybe you don’t really want confidence, self-reliance.  Your choice.  It’s up to you.

Gotta go now.  The floor needs sweeping.

 

Twitterpation

A brief update from Caffeine Rehab.  I’m drinking a 4-cup pot of half-caff every morning, and I’ve noticed two things so far.

• I feel calmer, and more in control of my reactions.  This feels important to me, in a world that’s moving faster and faster.  I have an extra sliver of time between impulse and action, a brief pause that gives me more freedom to choose how I want to react.
• With less of a caffeine supplement, I have less energy.  I think this means I need to get more serious about fresh air, exercise, vitamins, healthy food and good sleep habits.   My track record with building healthy habits is spotty at best.

I live to understand

Grant that I may not so much seek … to be understood, as to understand.   –St. Francis of Assisi

During my college years I began the difficult journey of emerging from fundamentalism.  My journey began so deep within fundamentalism’s heart that it took earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, hurricanes and tornadoes to jar me loose and get me moving.  I’m speaking metaphorically, here, of course.

It was painful, and there were times I wasn’t sure that I wanted to keep on living.  What held me back in those moments was a quiet, but insistent internal whisper.  “What if something interesting happens next…and you miss it?”

For as long as I can remember, I have been a reader.   When other kids spent their summers running around outside, I curled up on the couch with a good book.  I have always loved the way a novel’s plot propels me forward.  I know well that bittersweet feeling at the end of the book–the satisfaction of resolution mixed with the disappointment of ending.

As I healed from the seismic shifts in my worldview and relationships, I found that reading was a helpful metaphor for what keeps me in the land of the living.  Life is an endlessly interesting book, full of small resolutions, each followed by new plot twists and deeper understandings.

The stack of books beside my bed (and on several other surfaces throughout the condo) is now mostly non-fiction.  As a no-longer-young adult, I’ve learned the joy of reading for information, as long as what I’m reading is creatively written.

Whether I’m navigating the real world, or have my nose in a book, I always want to know what’s going to happen next.  I want to know more about the many topics that interest me.  I’m on a quest for deeper understanding, what UUs call a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”

I live because life is endlessly interesting.  People, religion, politics, science–it’s all endlessly interesting, and I live to understand as much as I can.

Understanding has a rhythm, like breathing. Reading, listening, observing.  A pause for reflection, then writing, speaking, living.  Back to reading, listening, observing.  Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…until one day, in the fullness of time, I turn the last page, and see the words, “The End.”

Saying “no”…and “yes”

This week I read a post on Zen Habits titled, “7 Simple Ways to Say ‘No.’ ”  Guest blogger Celestine Chua lists these ways to say “No.” (Follow the link to read more about each way to say “No.”)

1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”
2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”
3. “I’d love to do this, but …”
4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”
5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”
6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”
7. “No, I can’t.”

Many people–the ones who habitually say “Yes”–might find it helpful to have concrete ways to say, “No.”  But there are others of us (and I include myself in this group) who are well-trained in the art of refusing requests, and who need instead to learn to say, “Yes.”

For both groups, the key is to create a moment to breathe, a pause between question and answer.  This moment allows a considered answer, rather than a reflexive one.  In this pause, we take stock of our resources and desires, and answer on that basis.  Do I want to do this?  Do I have what it takes to do this?

Here’s the list again, rewritten as seven ways to say “Yes.”

1. “I can commit to this.  This is an important priority for me at the moment.” When you stop to breathe, you might discover that you are really passionate about the task you are being asked to do.
2. “Now is a great time for this, as I’ve just let go of other commitments.  Let’s talk about how I get involved.” As you pause to reflect, you might realize that you do have time to accept this invitation.
3. “I’d love to do this.” A brief moment of introspection might surprise you–you might actually enjoy the work you’re being asked to take on.
4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.” But this time, really mean it, and really get back to the person asking for your involvement.
5. “This meets my needs right now, and I’m glad you asked me.” We all need things to do that make our lives meaningful, and if you stop to think about it, you may discover that you are at loose ends, and need something to bring purpose to your life.
6. “I have skills and experiences that are a good match for this project.” If you care about the organization or cause in question, you may realize that you are exactly the right person for the task at hand.  Sometimes (and I’m not talking to you over-committers here) there is no one else for the job, and the organization or cause you care about really needs you.
7. “Yes, I can.” I suspect that there’s a lot of no-saying that has deep roots in self-doubt.  Taking a moment to breathe before responding gives us time to remember that we do have things we’re good at, things about which we can say, “Yes, I can.”

I hope you’ll take the time to figure out if you’re a yes-sayer, or a no-sayer, and that you’ll begin the practice of taking a deep breath after someone asks you to do something.  Saying “yes” too much and saying “no” too much both have the same result:  things don’t get done, or don’t get done well.  What the world needs is people who fully commit to tasks, after honestly having considered their desires and resources.